i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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