Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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