Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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