grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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