if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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