I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
