Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
