i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
