At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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