there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
