stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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