paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
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Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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