I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
