There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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