I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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