You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
