You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
too bad you live with your parents still
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
