I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
