I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
