I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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