im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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