Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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