i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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