I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He passed out mid-signature
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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