You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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