Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
