The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
