I think my vagina is haunted
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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