I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
