I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
