Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
