i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
