I wish I could teleport
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
