I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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