our cab driver is having phone sex.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
