if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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