just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
