Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
