it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i now understand why vodka
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
