this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
