just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
