Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
4 words: hood of his car
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
