Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
