I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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