1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
