This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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