cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
