sarcasm needs its own font
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
