no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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