my phone needs a breathalizer
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
