Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
