Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
