No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
