Betty ford says i'm here all night
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
