You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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