Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
