I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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